My Journey into Resonance
I never felt like I “fit in.” When I was ten years old I was in stress management for anxiety (yup… I was a stressed out kid!). In one session I drew a picture of my family playing a game with everyone sitting together on one side of the page and me sitting alone on the other. Like many of us I’ve often felt as though my way of thinking, feeling, or being was in someway inherently wrong because it didn’t match what was expected of me. Even though I was an expressive kid, I struggled with communication for a long time.
What I have learned is that there are skills and techniques that open one’s ability to communicate. That the voice is a layered and intricate vehicle of expression and that learning to communicate with resonance is really about learning to accept and express the truth of who we are.
For a long time I struggled to feel as though I had a voice in my family. I grew up in a time and place where communication and understanding weren’t always possible or prioritized. It was a busy house. With five kids and a family run business, my parents had a lot on their plate.
My dad was strict and could be authoritarian, especially in times of conflict or stress. In these times, I found it incredibly difficult to communicate with him. I was afraid of him. And though, he would never hurt me, my fear of standing up to him was palpable; a sensation that I experience to this day (though much much less).
As the youngest, my insecurities around speaking up were compounded by my position in the family hierarchy. In many ways, it was great! I was attended to, had several people to look up to, and connected to my siblings in truly special ways. I’m grateful for the skills this position taught me. I became adaptable, empathetic, and attuned to what was happening around me. On the other hand, I was also easy to dismiss, dump on, bully, and tease. Much of this was in the ‘good fun’ of family, but some of it really weighed on me. I was insecure and though I asserted myself in various ways I also carried the belief that everyone else’s opinions held more value than my own, and I struggled to feel accepted.
Well into my adulthood I often felt attacked and unheard, especially with my dad and brothers. They were often dismissive of my opinions and I took it very personally. I felt hurt, frustrated, and completely mis-understood. It was a challenging dynamic.
And… it changed.
There were a number of factors that contributed to my shift in communicating with my family, some of which I will share later. Various stages and small personal wins, led me to the point where I climbed my “Everest” in family dynamics - I stood up to my father.
Standing up to my Father
It happened several years ago now. My dad came at me over the phone demanding that I attend to something that instant. When I calmly tried to assess how we could accomplish the task in a way that worked for both of us he became more heated and berated me.
Now, in the past I would have done what I always did; argue back and try to get him to understand where I was coming from. I would have felt hurt, attacked, and ashamed. This time however, I could see that he couldn’t hear me. This had nothing to do with me. So as he came at me, calling me down and demanding I do what he say, I just said “No, no, no.”
Here’s the amazing thing - felt so clear in this moment. It was the first time in my life where I didn’t take on the anger, the shame, the blame, or the guilt. I didn’t feel like a failure. In fact I felt sure footed and clear. What is even more amazing is that I saw him. It was no longer about him not hearing me, or not respecting me, or the plethora of beliefs I had held. It was simply another human struggling to communicate. He never intended to hurt me, or belittle me, not really. He just didn’t have the tools to communicate his frustration. That moment offered us a chance to see each other as equals, as human. My respect for him changed. It became real because I could now see his struggles and his efforts. Though, and I can’t say for sure, I think his respect for me changed in that moment as well. There was a shift in our dynamic and today we communicate better then we ever have, for which I am incredibly grateful.
When I was 21 my sister passed. This event changed the trajectory of my life and set me on a course of deep Self exploration. In many ways this was probably the beginning of my career in coaching.
Yoga, meditation, and plant medicines all played a big part in my healing and growth. I resonated deeply with philosophies of yoga and Buddhism and this became a way of life. Plant medicines helped me unearth deep feelings, and move them through with the power of song and prayer. I experienced the transformative power of music and this impact stayed with me even as my life turned in other directions.
This time in my 20s allowed me to explore and excavate my inner world. I connected with some of the deepest places inside myself and found more clarity around who I was and what I wanted.
And yet, here was still something missing. I was still ‘seeking’ something outside myself. As much as I was gaining insight into my inner world I still felt like the same little girl; afraid to speak up; seeking to saved or validated. That changed when I really found MY Voice.
Wake up/ Break up
This last piece in this journey came, as it often does, after an epic break up.
While actively pursuing a career as a singer songwriter I began mentoring under *Andy, a genius musician and producer. He taught me things that revolutionized how I sang and wrote. I became enamoured in every way and… we fell in love.
I adored him.
At first our relationship was incredible. He was so supportive of who I was and of my music. I felt seen, held, and validated… it was amazing! And though I sensed an imbalance in our relationship, I brushed it off, we were in love.
In time, Andy’s success and capacity triggered my insecurities. I felt pressure to fit the scale of his ambition and direction. Mostly, I felt like a failure. Artistically, I struggled to fit in to the “marketable” music world, of which he was so successful, and personally I felt responsible for all the challenges in our relationship. I had a hard time speaking up for myself and when I did, his reaction often left me feeling like I was the problem.
When Andy ended our relationship I was shattered. Not only only did I lose my partner, and my friend, I lost the relationship I had with his kids, my mentor, and the dream of our future. I listened as the man, who I held on a pedestal, told me that his support of my work was just him “doing his job,”and how he fell for the woman that “I could have been.”
That HURT a lot…
he was right. I wasn’t the woman he wanted. But he also wasn’t the man I wanted. Until that happened I felt like I needed him; his approval, his support, his love. I was trying to fit myself into a mould that was never mine to begin with. The end of our relationship was the beginning of a new freedom.
The illusion was gone. No person, no thing, no experience was going to save or validate me. It was up to me to figure out my voice, my direction, and my life. Piece by piece I had to drag myself up off the floor and re-build my sense of Self and my life.
Integration, Standing in MY Voice
This break up rocked me and I’m glad it did. I realized I couldn’t do it on my own. No matter how much self work or exploration I did, I needed help. I needed to anchor my capacity and ability speak and live for myself. So I sought out an incredible therapist. Someone who had traversed real challenges herself and knew would be able to hold and support me in a real way.
It was a game changer. We dove deep and she taught me how to clarify my thinking in a real way. I learned how my feeling “responsible for everything” actually caused my suffering and how making excuses for others was my way of taking on their blame. Within our sessions we explored what actions and conversations needed to take place. She metaphorically held my hand as I began to build better communication. With each step, each conversation, each boundary I set, I felt more stable and sovereign. After years of seeking I finally felt I had the tools to understand and express the fullness of my truth.
I stood up to my father…
I spoke with friends when I was hurt by their actions and initiated discussion…
I talked to my brother about our relationship and opened up about my desire for better communication…
my relationships got better.
my connections felt stronger.
I was able to prioritize those relationships that were really important to me.
and… I found
The Voice of my Work
The break up gave me the incentive to return to prayer and mantra, music that had always lingered around me, and I found profound joy in creating sounds that expressed healing.
I stopped trying to make music that was ‘marketable’ and instead followed the songs and sounds that made me feel connected and whole. I began producing my own music and working with sound in ways that inspired me.
This new way of creating ignited in me a passion beyond the music itself. VOICE. I experienced resonance every time my expression articulated truth; whether in music, relationship, or conversation. And these honest expressions laid a foundation of steadiness inside of me that that has been profound. After decades of anxiety and insecurity, I felt whole.
Yoga taught me to how listen to my body and connect to my breath
Meditation taught me how to be present
Mantra & Prayer gave me a place to express the depths of my emotions
Singing and Songwriting taught me how to really use my voice and words, and
Clear discernment taught me how to clarify my thoughts and belief patterns.
It was all a part of finding my voice.
I’m here today, impassioned with drive to support individuals, particularly woman, in overcoming the barriers of their authentic expression. To help them to hear, feel, discern, and express themselves in the fullness of their unique VOICE.
If any of this story speaks to you I encourage you to connect with me.