It happened a few days ago…
That feeling of going nowhere. My skin felt crawly & my mind went into the ‘What am I doing with my Life?!' mode.
I’ll be honest.
I was discouraged. I made some big investments choices for my business recently that didn't pan out the way I'd hoped & I felt like a failure. Then...
That critical voice came in loud
Telling me everything I did wrong.
How I 'should' have known better.
Reminding me of every past mistake or 'failing'
Telling me how I 'should' be more like so & so
How I should' have done better, been better, been smarter
Reminding me that I am a screw up.
I don't share this lightly.
This voice sucks & that 'skin crawling' feeling is f**king terrible!
I share this story because self doubt happens & it came on pretty strong for me this week.
Now... I'm not going to tell you to simply 'believe in yourself' or 'have faith' in those times of reckoning self doubt because I know that when I'm stuck in that place those those platitudes simply don't work.
Instead I want to share with you the raw, humbling, & truly supportive steps I took to feel comfortable in my skin again. This is not a 'how to' or theory based blog ~ just an honest look at what worked for me in the hopes that maybe it might spark what works for you.
Step 1: I met myself
I realized that was in a spiral when I told my partner how I was feeling & felt resentful when he didn't respond the way I wanted. It was almost like there was this addictive quality to my suffering. When I noticed that I became quiet.
I took a step back from 'being in it' to see/feel what was happening in my body & mind.
~ I felt the clenching in my gut.
~ The feeling of a voice in my chest.
~ I acknowledged the critical thoughts.
~ I felt the pangs of regret & frustration.
I let it all be there. Seen. Witnessed. Felt.
Step 2: I Prayed
For me prayer is like a conversation between friends. My relationship to grace is one of trust ~ not that she will give me what I want, but that she will hold & love me no matter where I am. This is a relationship I've held & cultivated for most of my life & at this point I almost take for granted that I can turn to the love of grace always.
I shared with her where I was at...
~ That I felt twisted & angry
~ That I desperately wanted to have someone fix it.
~ That I felt embarrassed & even disgusted with myself
~ That I was so sad & disappointed
~ That I didn't feel like enough.
I felt her...
I paused to feel her presence with me. That sense of being loved, seen, heard, here is this moment.
I invited her guidance.
I offered my gratitude to her for her guidance & support. Giving space to simply be where I was.
Step 3: I Had a Moment of Insight
As the day progressed I found myself looking out the car window as my partner drove us home from my parent's farm. In that moment I had an image.
There was the little girl... wounded & angry
There was the momma... steady holding her by the hand.
... I realized that I was both.
Step 4: I journaled
That night instead of watching a show or reading the news I grabbed my journal & had a real conversation with that critical voice ~ meeting it as a curious friend.
I asked her what she was afraid of...
~ Not being successful.
~ Being judged as 'less then'.
~ Not being self sufficient.
~ Being rejected.
~ Having others be disgusted by her.
~ Being judged by family.
Then I asked what she needed... "To M A T T E R"
Step 5: I held her hand...
As I felt what she needed I was there with her. Like a momma holding her hand. I told her that I would help her, that I would be with her, & that we would grow together.
I gave us space.
~ Space to see & be humbled by the mistakes
~ To recognize the many areas of growth & courage
~ To 'not know' the answers
~ To hold the fears in kindness like a momma
Step 6: I prayed in gratitude
Again I prayed in my journal, this time in gratitude. I thanked spirit for the connection. The remembering. The feeling of being held in spirit, in seeing the little one, nurturing her, & the grace of this little one getting know & trust in me.
Step 7: I began again
I woke up in the morning. Sat in meditation. Allowed gratitude.
I recalled the vision & purpose of my work & why it matters so much to me. The value of listening, of helping women finding their voices, of bringing people into conversation rather than avoidance, to be of service.
I put little post it reminders up
" Let the loving adult take the child by her hand"
" To be in service"
I engaged fully in my work ~ softer, more humble, & with a sense of faith & kindness.
~ Created & wrote
~ Asked trusted friends to gain insight on challenges
~ Felt the faith again.
Coming Home to Our Self
Coming back into self connection looks different for all of us. But there are a few things that I remember (gratefully) when there is a hit, or a hurt, or doubt that rises.
~ Its okay to be afraid
~ To meet ourselves in our uncertainty
~ It's okay to 'not know'
~ We are always welcome in grace.
~ And in grace we will find our way through.
Thank you for reading. I hope that this blog may offer a glimmer to inspire you (that mature, stunning, grounded, & clear being) to be felt & to hold the hand of the little one still finding her way.